The Backuisition and 9 Other Types of Acquisitions [humor]

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The Backuisition and 9 Other Types of Acquisitions [humor]

 

It's time for some Friday fun.  The following list was sparked in part by my hatred of the term "acquihire" (which no matter how many times I try to train myself, I can never say it correctly in my head when I read it).  

Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed coming up with them.

big fish10 Types of Acquisitions

1. Backuisition: A few rogue employees from BigCo went off and started their own company (NotAsBigCo) a couple of years ago. The CEO never got over it, so worked out a deal acquire their startup to get them back.

2. Crackuisition: BigCo is addicted to acquisitions. If more than a few weeks go by where some sort of deal isn't consummated, the twitching and shakes start. They need their “fix”. Like right now. Before somebody gets hurt.

3. Hackuisition:

BigCo: How many hackers do you have?”

NotSoBigCo: “You mean programmers?”

BigCo: “No, we need more hackers. People that read The Hacker News blog. Do you have hackers?”

NotAsBigCo: “Um, sure, we have hackers…”

BigCo: “Great! We need to get ourselves some hackers.”

4. Sackuisition: This is a deal that's all about the customers or the IP or anything other than the people. Once the deal is done, most of the people get laid off. [Not to be confused with the deal where most of the people get laid. That's the mythical, inthesackuisition]

5. Shaquisition: BigCo has a company basketball team consisting mostly of white guys that can't jump. They're embarrassed and want to remedy that.

6. Packuisition: Executives in corporate development at BigCo are used to traveling a lot. For some reason, they looked at their calendar and saw that there were 3 straight weeks with no travel coming up. This would drive them and their family insane. So, they go off looking for an out-of-town acquisition to do. Choice of potential company to acquire depends primarily on two variables: weather and availability of golf courses.

7. Snackuisition: BigCo tends to do really, really big deals. The kind that get written up in all the newspapers and magazines (and also, in something called “blogs” that the executives have heard of). But these big deals sometimes take time, and in-between, their blood sugar can get low.

8. Knackuisition: When a deal is done because the company being acquired has a particularly valuable and rare knack for doing something. Like building operating systems. Or natural voice recognition algorithms. Or the ability to use MongoDB successfully while resisting the temptation to eventually simulate SQL-like features.

9. Attackuisition: A deal that's done specifically to attack another company in a particular industry, primarily out of spite and CEO arrogance.

10. Frackuisition: When the value trying to be extracted from the deal is so deep, it requires knowledge of hydraulics and a really good PR firm to convince the world that you're not going to destroy the company, the industry and the world in the process of getting to this value.

 Do you have any of your own that you think I missed? 

Posted by Dharmesh Shah on Fri, Nov 11, 2011

COMMENTS

Wait... Did you just make a basketball joke, Dharmesh?

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 10:12 AM by Dan Abdinoor


Great Terminology:) Like it very much.  
 
 
 
Thanks Dharmesh! 
 
 
 
-Sailaja

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 10:31 AM by sailaja


Would PDS fall into the Backuisition category?

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 10:42 AM by Andy Cook


Just as a blowfish can appear much larger to ward off predators, the Flackuisition makes any would-be takeover team run from a suddenly much larger target.

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 11:27 AM by Casey van Bronkhorst


PLAQUISITION: When BigCo snatches up new talent with bad teeth.

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 1:55 PM by Bill Kerschbaum


Inquisition (Spanish): Nobody expects it.

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 2:14 PM by Tony Quarella


Let us not forget the Slacquisition, for when the acquiring company is just too lazy to develop the business itself.

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 4:18 PM by Dave Ambrose


@danabdinoor -- Indeed I did make a basketball joke. 
 
@andy: Yes, I think the PDS deal was a backuisition. 
 
@Dave: I like Slackuisition. That's pretty good.

posted on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 10:54 PM by Dharmesh Shah


These are great. I don't have any legitimate suggestions, although I did think of Brasstackuisition, which I'm sure has a point when you get right down to it...

posted on Saturday, November 12, 2011 at 12:40 AM by S. Whitmore


Blackuisition: The acquisition of a firm that has talented black people to make your racial hiring stats look better. 
 
Macuisition: acquiring a company whose employees use macs because all your existing employees don't wear enough black turtle-necks to look hep. 
 
Spanish Inquisition: nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

posted on Saturday, November 12, 2011 at 4:45 AM by David Rutten


nice site 
 
wedding photography

posted on Saturday, November 12, 2011 at 10:56 AM by wedding photography


Love Shaquisition - money paid out for fear of losing out of something they don't know how to do - normally ending up as self-sackuistion by the staff - if handled badly

posted on Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 4:54 AM by Richard Strange


A Flackquisition is triggered by not having any PR hits in 2 weeks. 
 
A Stackquisition is when the BigCo feels old for not doing using that cool-kids Rails stack, but when they hear the word "Ruby" they think it's time to buy more bling for their mistresses. 

posted on Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 9:12 AM by Bill Seitz


A BigMacquisition is where BigCo is desperately seeking some SpecialSauce.

posted on Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 9:14 AM by Bill Seitz


A Trackquisition is where BigCo wants to make it look like there's a *reason* to be running in circles. 

posted on Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 9:18 AM by Bill Seitz


A Gacquisition is destined to be spit out again shortly. 

posted on Sunday, November 13, 2011 at 9:21 AM by Bill Seitz


How about the Blacque Jacque Shellacquisition - an upstream power-play ("Now all ze water, she belongs to me!") that inevitably proves harder to maintain than originally estimated ("Of course, you know...this means war!") leading to BigCo malfeasance ending in jail time - http://bit.ly/tvxtkW

posted on Monday, November 14, 2011 at 9:22 AM by Brian Gullette


FRACKQUISITION -- when ExxonMobil acquired XTO Energy last year to get their huge shale natural gas reserves and fracking expertise. 
 
 
 
RACKQUISITION -- Hugh Hefner's reacquisition of Playboy Enterprises earlier this year.  
 
 
 
... or the IPECACKQUISITION, an acquisition so poorly executed that it makes you just want to puke.

posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 at 7:32 AM by Dan Ruchman


How about Suckquisition? 
 
Definition: When the CEO and the board suck after making lousy acquisitions that are grossly over-valued and send the company into Abyss!

posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 3:07 PM by Satish Mantripragada


Thank you for this article, and all the awesome and hillarious terms in the comment section as well. The humour is very much appreciated:)

posted on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 5:54 AM by Jen


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